you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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