Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
