I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
