woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
