I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
