I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize