He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
