every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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