Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
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A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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