My first STD was from a foam party
I faked an abortion last night.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
