how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I need a beard to bite.
I touched a dick in church today
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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