Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
