Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
why is half of my head shaved?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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