Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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