Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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