I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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