I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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