I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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