So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
