i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
