just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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