I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you would pick up someone in the library
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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