Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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