yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
