What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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