im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
