I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
