I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
