I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.