god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby