Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
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As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
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when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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