I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"