so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
