Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
