cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
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I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
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Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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