There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
