I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So much Jack, so little girl.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
