fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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