I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
