my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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