Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet