Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.