can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
