Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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