nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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