guys are not supposed to queef...right?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
