i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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