It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
