Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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