fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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