so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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