Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
