this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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