it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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