no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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