we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
