I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
