Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
