the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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