well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
